Hi. I'm sure I've driven you all away from every checking back here (what with my negligence and terrible breath)(so I love garlic bread and radishes! So?!). But here is a hilarious video that I've seen before and stumbled upon again. Enjoy, amigos.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Saturday, March 8, 2008
Juror #8: Learning the Value of Life
It has been a while. A month ago, many of you got an email from Melissa, a co-author of this blog, though she has been a little more hesitant to exercise her authorship. I asked her if I could put this letter here and she totally agreed. I recommend you read it, if only for a glimpse of the kind of ordeal that she had to go through. It's not an easy read, but I think it will do you well.
__________
February 5th, 2008
Friends and Family,
Many of you have been taking the journey of jury duty along with me as I was assigned to a capital murder case. I know many of you wanted to hear my thoughts and the details afterwards as well. If you do not wish to read this I understand, however, if you chose to read it, please note that there may be some graphic details, although I have done my best to clean it up. Meliss
_____________________________
On Friday, February first, at 2:00 pm, I, along with 11 other jury members, sentenced a man to death.
It was perhaps one of the toughest decisions I have made in my life. One filled with tears as my body shock at the magnitude of the decision, yet one that contained relief as well as I know my voice sounded for so many that could not speak for themselves.
Floyd Eugene Maestas was a simple man, with a life full of crime. From a young age he witnessed the murder of his sister, and was the victim of abuse, yet he eventually turned to crime himself at the tender age of fourteen when he was first arrested for intoxication and resisting arrest. Full of many second chances, his life was spent in and out of trouble in the juvenile system till his eighteenth birthday. Throughout his adult life, Maestas also found himself face to face with trouble in the criminal justice system and lived many a year behind prison walls. While he still keep up the same antics of his youth involving drinking and theft, Maestas eventually moved on to a life of violence. In 1969, Maestas committed his first major offense against an elderly woman, Ms. Alinda McLean. Found beaten beyond recognition in her home, McLean suffered tremendously from over an hour of beatings from her attacker. The extent of her suffering would later be revealed in reports that the attacker beat her with a bed side lamp until it broke then swiftly continued beating her with the second bedroom lamp. Ms. McLean was brutally raped as shown in the fierce bite marks found on her body and particularly around the breasts. Ms. McLean suffered the loss of one eye from the attack.
Mr. Maestas pleaded down from the attack, and was charged with burglary. The second round of attacks came in 1989, at two separate homes. The first was the home of Ms. Loene Jane Nelson. A kind old woman who tearfully took the stand to finally confront her attacker. Ms. Nelson was the victim to a similar beating in her own home as she was about to go to bed. Her attacker repeatedly told her that he wouldn’t hurt her if she gave up her purse. Yet the tight fists came crashing down on her face even after she had given him the location of the purse. Ms. Nelson would testify that she only escaped death after pretending to pass out and the assailant fleeing the scene. She was left beaten, buised, naked, and with the outline of the boot on her back as her attacker had stomped her so hard.
A week later, Mr. Maestas laid in wait to set another attack on an elderly woman. This time the elderly woman did not live alone. Three Demetropolos sisters lived together. They had left their house that evening to volunteer for the Greek festival. When they arrived home, a man waited in the dark after drinking a beer, watching tv, and rummaging through underwear drawers. A spitfire Ms. Demetropolis testified that they found the man awaiting in one of the bedrooms and that they chased him away like the ‘keystone cops’. These three sisters were some of the lucky few.
Mr. Maestas once again pleaded down from the attacks, and was charged once more with burglary.
Without going into detail on the remaining years in-between, years full of prison time and more thefts, we now move onto the attack in the fall of 2004. The attack for which I became juror #8.
After his release from prison in 2004, Maestas went to the home of his childhood love and ex-wife in Glendsdale. As neighbors and Ms. Salas, his ex-wife, testified he spent just 21 days rekindling his relationship and scoping out the neighborhood until the night of the murder. Ms. Donna Bott, one of his final attacks, lived on the same street as Ms. Salas.
On the night of the murder, Maestas came in contact with three young 19-year-old boys. One was his nephew Nick, the other two, William Irish and Rodney Renzo were just two boys along for a night of fun. After driving them to a party, Maestas left the three boys to their friends to have fun and drink as he waited outside. After a short time at the party, all four plied into the car and headed to carry out the boys’ plan to steal cars. Yet Nick and his uncle got in a fight, and Nick eventually left the group. Maestas then took control and asked the boys if they were down with robbing housing. Both agreed and Mr. Maestras drove them to homes of his choice. The first was that of Donna Bott. All three got in through a back window that was slightly opened. Maestas entered first and ran for the bedroom. The two boys looked for valuables in a cluttered house and found only a coin purse and a cell phone. Both boys witnessed aspects of the brutal beating and eventual murder of Ms. Bott from outside the bedroom door.
Ms. Donna Bott would suffer over 13 head injuries, including a knife to her cheek and evidence of numerous attempts to choke her. The final blow came as her attacker kicked her so hard in the chest that it literally broke her heart.
After escaping the first home, Maestas then took the boys to a second home. Here, a scared Irish would hide in a nearby parking lot, as Renzo and Maestas carried out the crime. A small paving stone was thrown through the back window where an eighty-six-year-old Ms. Chamberlain was watching late night tv. She gingerly looked down to see the stone at her feet. However, in that little time a man was on top of her tearing at her shirt. She cried out in pain as the assailant tore off the skin on both entire arms as he struggled to remove her top. Meanwhile, Renzo grabbed her purse in the other room and noticed a flashing box. A clever Ms. Chamberlain had pushed her emergency care button that she wore around her neck. A button that saved her life.
All three men then dashed for the car and the two boys demanded to go home. Yet the car never made it there and it ran out of gas on a downtown on-ramp to I-15. Both boys hopped a train and ended up in Orem at a Wal-Mart. Maestas was left alone.
Irish and Renzo were swiftly caught and condemned by the cell phone they had stolen and used excessively for a week. Maestas’ fate was damned by fingerprints, scrapes on his arms, DNA under Ms. Botts fingers, Ms. Chamberlain’s purse in his car, and many other factors, along with Irish and Renzo’s testimonies. I will never forget the testimony of Ms. Bott’s granddaughter.
She constantly talked to her grandmother after her own mother passed away. The last conversation they had included the soundly advise of grandmother to granddaughter to live a happy-go-lucky life. This young girl quickly send off a letter to her grandmother with the happiest picture of herself she could find. After learning of her grandmother’s brutal death, she flew home to be with family and help with arrangements. She tearfully spoke of wiping away her grandmother’s blood in the bedroom, and of holding the now blood stained happy picture of herself that proudly stood on her grandmother’s nightstand.
Jurors did not know the Maestas violent past in making our decision of guilt on the case, however, it did become a factor in the penalty phase. Today, both young men still reside to different county jails. Both know their fates may be prison for a night that they were swept up in, for a night they should have stopped.
Today, Mr. Maestas still resides at Salt Lake County Jail. His fate will be temporarily sealed by a judge later this week as I have heard his lawyers already hope to appeal the decision of death.
There are so many interesting facets to this case, one that if you want details I will be happy to provide. Except those details that involve our decisions in the jury room.
Family and Friends, If I can tell you one thing from this case, know this. This life means nothing and creates the horrific images that I have witnessed over the past few weeks, without love. Love your family. Love your friends. To all you young parents, go home and hug your kids. Love them over their lives unconditionally. Provide those open doorways so they if they start to go down a wrong path they can turn to you for advice to live better. My heart breaks for these two young boys who will more than likely live a life in prison as well, because they followed the crowd. They followed a man one deadly night, and they followed the crowd in other crimes they have committed. If you know someone on this path now, you better fight like hell to get them back.
I thank you to all my friends and family for being strong pillars in my life and for always helping through the good and the bad.
Finally, be safe. Go home and double check all the locks: the windows, the doors. For it is through all this, that I have learned the value of life.
MelissaWednesday, February 6, 2008
RomCom? Come on, mon!
Imagine my intense delight when, naught two weeks after slogging out my "50 Resolutions" regarding Romantic Comedies, when one of my favorite writers, Eric D. Snider, a BYU alum who is full of sass and vinegar, published the following at Film.com. I suggest you read it. It is so choice. (Also, notice how gosh darn close we got on some of the more pertinent points that truly define the RomCom).
Enjoy. I know I did.
Saturday, February 2, 2008
Two funny clips that you need to watch IMMEDIATELY!
Perhaps you have already seen these. Perhaps not. But if you have not, I can tell you right now, this shall NOT stand! The situation needs to be rectified immediately!!
The first clip is from a HBO series created by Ricky Gervais (creator of the U.K. and U.S. versions of "The Office") called "Extras." In this one he is learning from Sir Ian McKellan how to act. The clip is 2:24 in duration. Allow time to watch it twice and laugh heartily for some time afterward.
The second clip is from a "band" called Flight of the Conchords, a New Zealand duo who sing songs in a parodic manner. This song is called "Jenny." (To look further into the hilarity that is Flight of the Conchords, I recommend another one of their songs called "Albi the Racist Dragon").
Again, it is imperative that you watch these videos instantly. Our friendship and your emotional well-being depends on it.
The first clip is from a HBO series created by Ricky Gervais (creator of the U.K. and U.S. versions of "The Office") called "Extras." In this one he is learning from Sir Ian McKellan how to act. The clip is 2:24 in duration. Allow time to watch it twice and laugh heartily for some time afterward.
The second clip is from a "band" called Flight of the Conchords, a New Zealand duo who sing songs in a parodic manner. This song is called "Jenny." (To look further into the hilarity that is Flight of the Conchords, I recommend another one of their songs called "Albi the Racist Dragon").
Again, it is imperative that you watch these videos instantly. Our friendship and your emotional well-being depends on it.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
The Little Pocket
Just a quick one today. I took a break after the RomCom post, which continues to fill me with glee. Just yesterday I read a hilarious list called "Tips for Surviving Puberty" that a hilarious and very good friend of mine wrote. Maybe we could co-author a list called "This Will Make You Wet Your Pants" because it probably would.
Just now, I'm in a campus computer lab. I sat down to write out the rest of an assignment that is due later on today (pros and cons of medical schools that I think I would like to apply to). However, I couldn't find the new, expensive jump-drive that I had to purchase for another class that already has a lot of really important assignments on it. My backpack is made of two pockets: the large pocket (into which goes books, clothes, food, large wads of bills, animals in various stages of mummification etc.) and then the little pocket (into which goes . . . well you'll see).
I mention this because most of your American bought backpacks these days have the lap-top pocket, the medium pocket with the pencil/pen holders, the inside lining pocket, the little pocket, and then tiny pocket within the little pocket meant for holding change (or Skittles, I guess). I put my jump drive into the little pocket this morning thinking that I would pull it out and finish up the assignment, no problem. But the I couldn't find it. I dug around frantically and cursed the technology that can fit 2 gigabytes of data on to such a tiny little, Lego-sized piece of hardware. Finally I pulled out everything in the pocket. I was amazed and disgusted with what I found. This list is absolutely true. (For the record, the little pocket measures about 6''x 8''x 1.5'')
(Note: the craziest things have a ??? after them)
- 3 mechanical pencils, one of them empty and broken
- 5 black ball point pens, (3 of them free from a drug company, one of the made out of wood and carboard and one from a rock band)
- 3 black gel-style pens
- 2 blue ball point pens (both free, one bank, one BYU)
- 1 black sharpie marker
- 1 yellow ink highlighter (there were 3 at least two days ago. I don't know where the others are)
- 1 yellow scripture marking highlighter (I know for a fact that I have another one in the large pocket, but it doesn't count)
- 2 blue scripture marking highlighters
- 1 mini camera tripod (???)
- 3 BYU pins (given out on BYU tours over seas . . . these have been there for at least eight months, or possibly a year and eight months)
- 1 comb
- 3 granola bars (I only knew about two of them, as they were going to be my lunch today)
- 1 mini bottle of ibuprofen
- 1 half empty pack of Orbit sweet-mint gum (the best gum ever. I'm eating some right now)
- 2 packets of Emergen-C cold fighting, vitamin C supplements
- 11 pennies
- 2 dimes
- 1 nickel
- 5 old pieces of unchewed gum (full of lint and mechanical pencil lead)
- 1 mini stapler
- 1 sleeping mask (???)
- 4 chapsticks (???)(I have no idea where these came from. I hope they are all mine, but I might throw them away rather than take the chance)
- 1 key to my car that I didn't know I had (???)
- 2 more pens that I forgot to count before
- 1 receipt for a Park and Ride airport service (their number is 596-7275)
- 1 unwrapped half of an old candy cane (???)
- 1 handful of wrappers, lint, and unidentifiable garbage that I threw away and that left my hand rather sticky.
And thankfully . . .
- 3 jump drives (one of them not mine, but one was the one that I needed to finish my assignment).
You can't make stuff like that up.
Just now, I'm in a campus computer lab. I sat down to write out the rest of an assignment that is due later on today (pros and cons of medical schools that I think I would like to apply to). However, I couldn't find the new, expensive jump-drive that I had to purchase for another class that already has a lot of really important assignments on it. My backpack is made of two pockets: the large pocket (into which goes books, clothes, food, large wads of bills, animals in various stages of mummification etc.) and then the little pocket (into which goes . . . well you'll see).
I mention this because most of your American bought backpacks these days have the lap-top pocket, the medium pocket with the pencil/pen holders, the inside lining pocket, the little pocket, and then tiny pocket within the little pocket meant for holding change (or Skittles, I guess). I put my jump drive into the little pocket this morning thinking that I would pull it out and finish up the assignment, no problem. But the I couldn't find it. I dug around frantically and cursed the technology that can fit 2 gigabytes of data on to such a tiny little, Lego-sized piece of hardware. Finally I pulled out everything in the pocket. I was amazed and disgusted with what I found. This list is absolutely true. (For the record, the little pocket measures about 6''x 8''x 1.5'')
(Note: the craziest things have a ??? after them)
- 3 mechanical pencils, one of them empty and broken
- 5 black ball point pens, (3 of them free from a drug company, one of the made out of wood and carboard and one from a rock band)
- 3 black gel-style pens
- 2 blue ball point pens (both free, one bank, one BYU)
- 1 black sharpie marker
- 1 yellow ink highlighter (there were 3 at least two days ago. I don't know where the others are)
- 1 yellow scripture marking highlighter (I know for a fact that I have another one in the large pocket, but it doesn't count)
- 2 blue scripture marking highlighters
- 1 mini camera tripod (???)
- 3 BYU pins (given out on BYU tours over seas . . . these have been there for at least eight months, or possibly a year and eight months)
- 1 comb
- 3 granola bars (I only knew about two of them, as they were going to be my lunch today)
- 1 mini bottle of ibuprofen
- 1 half empty pack of Orbit sweet-mint gum (the best gum ever. I'm eating some right now)
- 2 packets of Emergen-C cold fighting, vitamin C supplements
- 11 pennies
- 2 dimes
- 1 nickel
- 5 old pieces of unchewed gum (full of lint and mechanical pencil lead)
- 1 mini stapler
- 1 sleeping mask (???)
- 4 chapsticks (???)(I have no idea where these came from. I hope they are all mine, but I might throw them away rather than take the chance)
- 1 key to my car that I didn't know I had (???)
- 2 more pens that I forgot to count before
- 1 receipt for a Park and Ride airport service (their number is 596-7275)
- 1 unwrapped half of an old candy cane (???)
- 1 handful of wrappers, lint, and unidentifiable garbage that I threw away and that left my hand rather sticky.
And thankfully . . .
- 3 jump drives (one of them not mine, but one was the one that I needed to finish my assignment).
You can't make stuff like that up.
Monday, January 21, 2008
You've Got a Wedding Planner Who's Coming to Dinner to Lose in 10 Days!: 50 Resolutions on Romantic Comedies
50 Resolutions I Promise to Make if I Ever Become a Guy in a Romantic Comedy Who is Not the Romantic Lead:
(Note: please remember that the other guys in a romantic comedy can include villinous, cheating, current-boyfriend, as well as sarcastic, good-natured best friend, to wise, elderly confidant):
1. I will not live in New York, or I will immediately move away from New York, thus decreasing to a large degree the possibility that I will be in any kind of romantic comedy.
2. I will not secretly be having an affair on the side which will in the end justify my female romantic lead girlfriend getting together with the male romantic lead.
3. I will not be so self-absorbed that I fail to notice that my female romantic lead girlfriend finds my jokes unfunny and/or my life's work uninteresting.
4. I will not abuse my female romantic lead girlfriend physically, verbally or emotionally, making my character absolutely one-dimensional so that I get whatever is coming to me, beginning with my losing my girl to the male romantic lead and potentially ending in my death.
5. I will not under any circumstances suggest crazy hijinks as a means of winning over the female romantic lead.
6. I will not under any circumstances suggest that the male romantic lead lie as a means of winning over the female romantic lead.
7. A no point will I smugly inform my male romantic lead best friend that I am an expert on women
8. If the male and female romantic leads seemingly loathe each other, I will step in and swiftly vacate the city/state/country with the female romantic lead. This will not guarantee that they will not eventually come together, but will greatly decrease the odds of them reconciling into a relationship.
9. I will point out to the female romantic lead that there is really no reason for her to be unlucky in love as she is a successful and beautiful professional who has a great job writing for a magazine/designing fashionable clothes/being cute and quirky in New York.
10. I will not annoyingly and continuously ask my male romantic lead best friend if "she has any friends to set me up with!" Invariably I will be set up with the plump but good natured female best friend (my counterpart) of the female romantic lead. The more I whine and complain, the more likely it is that I will be humorously set up with someone more awkward (a morbidly obese, man obsessed friend, or perhaps a flagrantly gay man or a cross dresser).
11. I will not suggest to my male romantic lead friend that it would be wise and prudent to spend untold amounts of resources to try and seek out that girl that he had a chance encounter with but whose phone number, address, or even name he failed to obtain on the first meeting. I know that these efforts in the real world would likely be for naught.
12. I will not kindly offer the female romantic lead a kindly smile and a kindly twinkly in my kindly eye with advice that sounds anything like "follow your heart . . ."
13. I will sagely offer advice like, "build a lasting relationship over a period of time. Learn what you can about this person. Pay attention to traits that could be signs of irresponsible, abusive or reckless behavior." I will recongize that the heart can be ridiculous and stupid sometimes.
14. If I am a black guy, I will not casually dispense phrases like, "Man, you be trippin'!" or "She was all up in yo' bidness!" just to show the audience that, yes I am black and yes the romantic lead is progressive enough to have black friends.
15. If I am a black guy, I will not offer my (white) male romantic lead best friend any advice that involves or even references "booty" of any kind.
16. I will not agree to any kind of scheme where the romantic male lead will believe that I am married to or dating my romantic female lead best friend.
17. If I did agree to the above mentioned scheme (thus violating resolution 17) I would not engage in hurriedly or angrily whispered conversations underneath dinner tables, in coat closets or behind napkins.
18. If the female romantic lead were about to catch me and my male romantic lead best friend in one of the many deceptive lies and half-truths that he has spun, I will have a plausible lie prepared. This will eliminate my awkward backpedaling such as "Um . . .! Uh . . . ! You see, the thing is . . . Um!" etc.
19. If I ever am coerced into doing a favor for my male romantic lead best friend so that he can woo the female romantic lead, I will not do anything degrading or unbecoming. Also I will not agree to any favor that is not an emergency in nature that involves me being woken in the middle of the night.
20. If I am present at the marriage of male romantic lead and female romantic lead, I will avoid the tossing of the bouquet, thus avoiding accidentally catching the bouquet, or being cornered by the unattractive, man-obsessed friend who did catch the bouquet in a cliched, unhumorous situation.
21. I will pay attention to possible secret, unexpressed admiration of attractive females around me so that, when expressed, I can act on them and keep the romantic female lead from meeting the male romantic lead, who was waiting in the wings to explain over the course of several weeks and many walks around the city at night why he was the right choice after all.
22. I will do my best to remain out of the rain while in the company of my girlfriend, the female romantic lead, as this is a great location for tearful, but happy, "Deep inside, I've always known that . . ." break up scenes.
23. If I am the father of the romantic female lead, I will not sit down with the romantic male lead and explain to her why "_______ is like her mother." That should have no bearing on the situation.
24. If I am the father of the romantic female lead, I will attempt to understand the culture and background of my daughter's romantic male lead love-interest. I will also expect him to respect and try to understand my own culture, even if eccentric. I will not attempt to suppress the cultural background of myself or my family, no matter what the humorous consequences might be.
25. I will not forcibly bring my romantic lead best friend to try speed-dating.
26. I will not allow my romantic lead best friend to become so dangerously intoxicated that they have the opportunity to pass out and/or vomit on anybody, much less the other romantic lead.
27. I will not suggest to my romantic lead best friend that in order to "win over" the other romantic lead, drastic, painful or questionably dangerous grooming techniques should be employed.
28. I will not insist that a traditional poker-night/bowling-night/boys-night/Monday night football with my male romantic lead best friend is so important that he would be justified in breaking off a burgeoning relationship with an attractive female romantic lead.
29. I will not allow my wife of many years to meddle and pry and drive apart the relationship of our romantic lead child.
30. If I do allow my wife to meddle and pry and almost drive apart the relationship of our romantic lead child (and violate number 30), I will not wait until the wedding night, or five minutes before the wedding to dramatically tell my wife to butt out and then tell my daughter "it's all right, sweetie. You marry whoever you want." or something to that effect.
31. I will allow my romantic lead child to marry the person of their choice and not insist that they marry a ". . . nice (Italian, Jewish, Greek etc.) boy/girl!" If I feel strongly about this, I will make kindly, loving suggestions. I will not speak the words, "You are dead to me!" or something equally irrational and melodramatic.
32. If I am slightly fat and clumsy, I will try to work on improving these traits: attempting to maintain a healthy lifestyle, take up a sport or hobby that will help me with my coordination and in general try not to be a bumbling idiot around romantic female lead or romantic female lead's equally quirky best friend.
33. I will avoid saying anything derogatory to or about the female romantic lead while wearing only a T-shirt, tank-top, or muscle shirt and/or while holding a can of liquid, a bottle of liquid, a screwdriver or a greasy rag, as these statements, are only made to assert my male pig-headishness, generally are made only to allow the male romantic lead to gallantly disagree, and make me appear narrow-minded and one-dimensional.
34. I will not loan my car or apartment to my friend so that he can impress his date. If I do provide a loan of some kind, I will make sure that my property is adequately insured so that if romantic hijinks ensue and my property is destroyed, I will be financially compensated.
35. I will not support my romantic male lead's desires or attempts to make a dramatic proclamation of love via some means of mass communication (television, PA system, megaphone in a traffic jam etc.).
36. I will not challenge the male romantic lead to a challenge of some kind to decide "once and for all" who will have the right to date/court/marry the female romantic lead. This applies whether the challenge is to the death, or to some kind of sports match, or some kind of card game.
37. I will not sabotage, in some oily, underhanded fashion, the event that would've been the male romantic lead's "big break," especially if the female romantic lead has been enthusiastically helping the male romantic lead with his crazy, pie-in-the-sky plans.
38. If I do sabotage the big event of the male romantic lead (and violate number 37), I will not causally walk up the to the female romantic lead after my sabotage has resulted in failure and say something to the effect of "Well, I guess we can see who the real loser is NOW!"
39. I will not publicly belittle the goofy, overweight, social misfits that are the best friends of the male romantic lead. Not only will this make me look bad in the eyes of the female romantic lead, but I will undoubtedly get my comeuppance from these same misfits later.
40. I will not jest at the incompatibility of the my male romantic lead best friend's sloppy, carefree, lackadaisical lifestyle and the uptight, schedule-driven, clean-freak lifestyle of the female romantic lead as these differences can be worked out with small and simple compromises.
41. I will not be the friend who exclusively makes jokes about becoming intimate with the female romantic lead each and every time I see the male romantic lead, thus allowing observers to assume that all men are pigs who obsessed with sex, except for the gallant male romantic lead, who likes the female romantic lead for who she is.
42. I will be impressed, surprised, and extremely skeptical if large groups of people spontaneously stop what they are doing at some bustling place of business (subway, airport, city street, traffic etc.) to applaud or to somehow aid the final climactic proclamation of love from the romantic leads.
43. If I suspect that I am involved in a romantic triangle with the female romantic lead and another male, I will seek out honest objective opinions of casual observers around me to determine whether or not I am more handsome, charming or witty than the other man, and thus determine conclusively if I am not the male romantic lead. If I am not, I will end my pursuit of the relationship with finality.
44. If I am a handsome, attractive celebrity-type, and I suspect that a down-home, sweet, young female romantic lead with whom I have causal contact has fallen for me, and I know that her true love is a somewhat ordinary but still terrific childhood friend/male romantic lead, I will instantly bow out of the scene so as not to prolong the male romantic lead's growing jealousy and frustration.
45. I will do my best to avoid either walking in on the female romantic lead in the shower or changing stall or being walked in on in the shower or changing stall by the female romantic lead as this is primarily the domain and task of the male romantic lead.
46. I will not tell my client the male romantic lead, that I as his ______ (lawyer, agent, manager etc.), I need something to happen before a certain time on a certain date or else there will be serious, dire consequences. This is because the resolution of these things happening before the certain time will undoubtedly result in the meeting and wooing of the female romantic lead.
47. If my romantic lead best friend is suffering because they are missing the other romantic lead after a fight they had or after the lies one or both of them told came to light, I will play an appropriately sappy romantic pop song to drive him/her toward a tearful and public reconciliation.
48. If I am the American/British roommate of the male romantic lead, and the female romantic lead is an uptight Brit/American (the opposite of myself), I will be daft and tosh (or wild and crazy) and engage in all sorts of zany, juvenile pranks that she will have to loosen up and live with. Also, my roommate will be forced to grow up.
49. I will restrict any and all sweeping generalizations and comparisons of women, any phrase that might begin with the words, "Women are like ____ (cars, sandwiches, beer, the stock market etc.).
50. If I suspect that I am a guy who is not the romantic lead in a romantic comedy, I will immediately purchase a hockymask and a chainsaw and make sure that it quickly becomes a horror film.
(Author's note: I just finished writing, in one eye-blearingly, early-morning sitting, the post you just read. I was inspired by a list I read from a Facebook group, called "100 Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord." It's quite hilarious, and as simple math can tell you, it's twice as long. If I could have hammered out 100 romantic comedy resolutions in one night, believe me, I would have. But now the author needs to sleep and dream of every romantic comedy there ever was.)
(Note: please remember that the other guys in a romantic comedy can include villinous, cheating, current-boyfriend, as well as sarcastic, good-natured best friend, to wise, elderly confidant):
1. I will not live in New York, or I will immediately move away from New York, thus decreasing to a large degree the possibility that I will be in any kind of romantic comedy.
2. I will not secretly be having an affair on the side which will in the end justify my female romantic lead girlfriend getting together with the male romantic lead.
3. I will not be so self-absorbed that I fail to notice that my female romantic lead girlfriend finds my jokes unfunny and/or my life's work uninteresting.
4. I will not abuse my female romantic lead girlfriend physically, verbally or emotionally, making my character absolutely one-dimensional so that I get whatever is coming to me, beginning with my losing my girl to the male romantic lead and potentially ending in my death.
5. I will not under any circumstances suggest crazy hijinks as a means of winning over the female romantic lead.
6. I will not under any circumstances suggest that the male romantic lead lie as a means of winning over the female romantic lead.
7. A no point will I smugly inform my male romantic lead best friend that I am an expert on women
8. If the male and female romantic leads seemingly loathe each other, I will step in and swiftly vacate the city/state/country with the female romantic lead. This will not guarantee that they will not eventually come together, but will greatly decrease the odds of them reconciling into a relationship.
9. I will point out to the female romantic lead that there is really no reason for her to be unlucky in love as she is a successful and beautiful professional who has a great job writing for a magazine/designing fashionable clothes/being cute and quirky in New York.
10. I will not annoyingly and continuously ask my male romantic lead best friend if "she has any friends to set me up with!" Invariably I will be set up with the plump but good natured female best friend (my counterpart) of the female romantic lead. The more I whine and complain, the more likely it is that I will be humorously set up with someone more awkward (a morbidly obese, man obsessed friend, or perhaps a flagrantly gay man or a cross dresser).
11. I will not suggest to my male romantic lead friend that it would be wise and prudent to spend untold amounts of resources to try and seek out that girl that he had a chance encounter with but whose phone number, address, or even name he failed to obtain on the first meeting. I know that these efforts in the real world would likely be for naught.
12. I will not kindly offer the female romantic lead a kindly smile and a kindly twinkly in my kindly eye with advice that sounds anything like "follow your heart . . ."
13. I will sagely offer advice like, "build a lasting relationship over a period of time. Learn what you can about this person. Pay attention to traits that could be signs of irresponsible, abusive or reckless behavior." I will recongize that the heart can be ridiculous and stupid sometimes.
14. If I am a black guy, I will not casually dispense phrases like, "Man, you be trippin'!" or "She was all up in yo' bidness!" just to show the audience that, yes I am black and yes the romantic lead is progressive enough to have black friends.
15. If I am a black guy, I will not offer my (white) male romantic lead best friend any advice that involves or even references "booty" of any kind.
16. I will not agree to any kind of scheme where the romantic male lead will believe that I am married to or dating my romantic female lead best friend.
17. If I did agree to the above mentioned scheme (thus violating resolution 17) I would not engage in hurriedly or angrily whispered conversations underneath dinner tables, in coat closets or behind napkins.
18. If the female romantic lead were about to catch me and my male romantic lead best friend in one of the many deceptive lies and half-truths that he has spun, I will have a plausible lie prepared. This will eliminate my awkward backpedaling such as "Um . . .! Uh . . . ! You see, the thing is . . . Um!" etc.
19. If I ever am coerced into doing a favor for my male romantic lead best friend so that he can woo the female romantic lead, I will not do anything degrading or unbecoming. Also I will not agree to any favor that is not an emergency in nature that involves me being woken in the middle of the night.
20. If I am present at the marriage of male romantic lead and female romantic lead, I will avoid the tossing of the bouquet, thus avoiding accidentally catching the bouquet, or being cornered by the unattractive, man-obsessed friend who did catch the bouquet in a cliched, unhumorous situation.
21. I will pay attention to possible secret, unexpressed admiration of attractive females around me so that, when expressed, I can act on them and keep the romantic female lead from meeting the male romantic lead, who was waiting in the wings to explain over the course of several weeks and many walks around the city at night why he was the right choice after all.
22. I will do my best to remain out of the rain while in the company of my girlfriend, the female romantic lead, as this is a great location for tearful, but happy, "Deep inside, I've always known that . . ." break up scenes.
23. If I am the father of the romantic female lead, I will not sit down with the romantic male lead and explain to her why "_______ is like her mother." That should have no bearing on the situation.
24. If I am the father of the romantic female lead, I will attempt to understand the culture and background of my daughter's romantic male lead love-interest. I will also expect him to respect and try to understand my own culture, even if eccentric. I will not attempt to suppress the cultural background of myself or my family, no matter what the humorous consequences might be.
25. I will not forcibly bring my romantic lead best friend to try speed-dating.
26. I will not allow my romantic lead best friend to become so dangerously intoxicated that they have the opportunity to pass out and/or vomit on anybody, much less the other romantic lead.
27. I will not suggest to my romantic lead best friend that in order to "win over" the other romantic lead, drastic, painful or questionably dangerous grooming techniques should be employed.
28. I will not insist that a traditional poker-night/bowling-night/boys-night/Monday night football with my male romantic lead best friend is so important that he would be justified in breaking off a burgeoning relationship with an attractive female romantic lead.
29. I will not allow my wife of many years to meddle and pry and drive apart the relationship of our romantic lead child.
30. If I do allow my wife to meddle and pry and almost drive apart the relationship of our romantic lead child (and violate number 30), I will not wait until the wedding night, or five minutes before the wedding to dramatically tell my wife to butt out and then tell my daughter "it's all right, sweetie. You marry whoever you want." or something to that effect.
31. I will allow my romantic lead child to marry the person of their choice and not insist that they marry a ". . . nice (Italian, Jewish, Greek etc.) boy/girl!" If I feel strongly about this, I will make kindly, loving suggestions. I will not speak the words, "You are dead to me!" or something equally irrational and melodramatic.
32. If I am slightly fat and clumsy, I will try to work on improving these traits: attempting to maintain a healthy lifestyle, take up a sport or hobby that will help me with my coordination and in general try not to be a bumbling idiot around romantic female lead or romantic female lead's equally quirky best friend.
33. I will avoid saying anything derogatory to or about the female romantic lead while wearing only a T-shirt, tank-top, or muscle shirt and/or while holding a can of liquid, a bottle of liquid, a screwdriver or a greasy rag, as these statements, are only made to assert my male pig-headishness, generally are made only to allow the male romantic lead to gallantly disagree, and make me appear narrow-minded and one-dimensional.
34. I will not loan my car or apartment to my friend so that he can impress his date. If I do provide a loan of some kind, I will make sure that my property is adequately insured so that if romantic hijinks ensue and my property is destroyed, I will be financially compensated.
35. I will not support my romantic male lead's desires or attempts to make a dramatic proclamation of love via some means of mass communication (television, PA system, megaphone in a traffic jam etc.).
36. I will not challenge the male romantic lead to a challenge of some kind to decide "once and for all" who will have the right to date/court/marry the female romantic lead. This applies whether the challenge is to the death, or to some kind of sports match, or some kind of card game.
37. I will not sabotage, in some oily, underhanded fashion, the event that would've been the male romantic lead's "big break," especially if the female romantic lead has been enthusiastically helping the male romantic lead with his crazy, pie-in-the-sky plans.
38. If I do sabotage the big event of the male romantic lead (and violate number 37), I will not causally walk up the to the female romantic lead after my sabotage has resulted in failure and say something to the effect of "Well, I guess we can see who the real loser is NOW!"
39. I will not publicly belittle the goofy, overweight, social misfits that are the best friends of the male romantic lead. Not only will this make me look bad in the eyes of the female romantic lead, but I will undoubtedly get my comeuppance from these same misfits later.
40. I will not jest at the incompatibility of the my male romantic lead best friend's sloppy, carefree, lackadaisical lifestyle and the uptight, schedule-driven, clean-freak lifestyle of the female romantic lead as these differences can be worked out with small and simple compromises.
41. I will not be the friend who exclusively makes jokes about becoming intimate with the female romantic lead each and every time I see the male romantic lead, thus allowing observers to assume that all men are pigs who obsessed with sex, except for the gallant male romantic lead, who likes the female romantic lead for who she is.
42. I will be impressed, surprised, and extremely skeptical if large groups of people spontaneously stop what they are doing at some bustling place of business (subway, airport, city street, traffic etc.) to applaud or to somehow aid the final climactic proclamation of love from the romantic leads.
43. If I suspect that I am involved in a romantic triangle with the female romantic lead and another male, I will seek out honest objective opinions of casual observers around me to determine whether or not I am more handsome, charming or witty than the other man, and thus determine conclusively if I am not the male romantic lead. If I am not, I will end my pursuit of the relationship with finality.
44. If I am a handsome, attractive celebrity-type, and I suspect that a down-home, sweet, young female romantic lead with whom I have causal contact has fallen for me, and I know that her true love is a somewhat ordinary but still terrific childhood friend/male romantic lead, I will instantly bow out of the scene so as not to prolong the male romantic lead's growing jealousy and frustration.
45. I will do my best to avoid either walking in on the female romantic lead in the shower or changing stall or being walked in on in the shower or changing stall by the female romantic lead as this is primarily the domain and task of the male romantic lead.
46. I will not tell my client the male romantic lead, that I as his ______ (lawyer, agent, manager etc.), I need something to happen before a certain time on a certain date or else there will be serious, dire consequences. This is because the resolution of these things happening before the certain time will undoubtedly result in the meeting and wooing of the female romantic lead.
47. If my romantic lead best friend is suffering because they are missing the other romantic lead after a fight they had or after the lies one or both of them told came to light, I will play an appropriately sappy romantic pop song to drive him/her toward a tearful and public reconciliation.
48. If I am the American/British roommate of the male romantic lead, and the female romantic lead is an uptight Brit/American (the opposite of myself), I will be daft and tosh (or wild and crazy) and engage in all sorts of zany, juvenile pranks that she will have to loosen up and live with. Also, my roommate will be forced to grow up.
49. I will restrict any and all sweeping generalizations and comparisons of women, any phrase that might begin with the words, "Women are like ____ (cars, sandwiches, beer, the stock market etc.).
50. If I suspect that I am a guy who is not the romantic lead in a romantic comedy, I will immediately purchase a hockymask and a chainsaw and make sure that it quickly becomes a horror film.
(Author's note: I just finished writing, in one eye-blearingly, early-morning sitting, the post you just read. I was inspired by a list I read from a Facebook group, called "100 Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord." It's quite hilarious, and as simple math can tell you, it's twice as long. If I could have hammered out 100 romantic comedy resolutions in one night, believe me, I would have. But now the author needs to sleep and dream of every romantic comedy there ever was.)
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Two nice fatty posts on their way
Happy Sunday, Happy Evening (and especially the rare and precious Happy Three-Day Weekend)!
I started banging out two posts, both kind of LDSish, Mormonistic, and are therefore somewhat serious or introspective in nature, but it's late and I didn't get them done. So, they are both coming.
So for now, I changed up the look of the blog a little. The background photo is of the Nyepr River in Kiev, Ukraine and sunset. Quite cool.
Anyway, if you have any comments, kindly drop them off. And you'll be hearing from me shortly.
I started banging out two posts, both kind of LDSish, Mormonistic, and are therefore somewhat serious or introspective in nature, but it's late and I didn't get them done. So, they are both coming.
So for now, I changed up the look of the blog a little. The background photo is of the Nyepr River in Kiev, Ukraine and sunset. Quite cool.
Anyway, if you have any comments, kindly drop them off. And you'll be hearing from me shortly.
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