I have many complicated emotions about a movie I saw recently. That movie was "Alexander," and is the story of Alexander the Great, the Macedonian/Greek conquerer. If I were as conflicted about these feelings as Alexander himself, I would undoubtably spend nearly three hours of movie time and my entire life looking sad and upset, make many pointless speeches, cry frequently, somehow conquer several kingdoms, and kiss my mother full on the mouth. Some alternate titles that surely were considered for the movie were "Alexander: Pining and Whining His Way Through 300 B.C." and "Alexander: Where Every Accent Imaginable is a Greek Accent." Was it an awful movie? Oh my, yes. Was it fun to watch. Yes, my friends. Yes it was.
Apparently the movie came in under the radar almost three years ago and was considered at the time to be on of the most horrifyingly, vomit-inducingly, terrible big-budget movies ever made. This is suprising considering the usually solid cast consisted of Colin Ferrell ("S.W. A.T.," "Daredevil" and he was in an episode of Scrubs that I like), Anthony Hopkins ("The Mask of Zorro"), Angelina Jolie ("Tomb Raider," "Tomb Raider II,") and from director/writer Oliver Stone ("Platoon," "The Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen Mysteries").
Ok, enough movie-talk junk. I watched this movie (a clean-flixed version, incidentally), a few weeks ago and have rarely ever howled with more enthusiasm at the badness and utter confusion of a movie. A few general notes.
1) Too many speeches! There are at least three speeches, long-winded, quasi-philosophical speeches given before Alexander (young or old) ever says anything.
2) To many Greek diety names used in common vernacular! I did a rough count and came up with at least 13 examples of "For Hera's sake!" "By Dionysis, you'll pay for that!" during the course of the movie.
3) A soundtrack that consists almost entirely of triumphant victory music! This is oddly the most true about the first half-hour of the movie, before anything remotely triumphant has happened besides several speeches (see above). Perhaps the most victorious music is when young blond Alexander horse-whispers a so-called untameable horse. This same scene and triumphant music and horse-whisperage is alluded to during the final showdown battle when, with the same horse, Alexander attacks an elephant in extremely slow slow-motion (which makes less sense than when I just described it).
4) For a movie about the most sucessful conquerer in the world, not enough sucessful battles! There are two, excessively violent battlest, the first of which I had thought Alexander had soundly lost (he rode a horse and yelled a lot and seemed extremely upset about something, but then his men started cheering, so I guess he had won. Perhaps the ancient tradition is that which ever side thinks to cheer first are declared the winners?). And in the second battle, Alexander does lose in a spectacular fashion (see the elephant showdown above), and is wounded, apparently causing a piece of red Saran wrap to be placed over the lense of the camera indicating . . . pain? Loss? Blood?
5) And, (last the best), terrible, terrible dialouge! While writing this, I once again, I got caught up in the small details (other terrible details of the movie) and haven't built up enough focus for the crowning jewel of the awful movie. Here are my favorite moments of dialouge:
From Anthony Hopkin's character the old, confusing narrator: "Things are never simple. And yet, this was."
From a Maceonian commander, to his troops, in 350 B.C. in an Irish accent (yes): "I don't appreciate any belly-achin'!!"
And the greatest of them all, from Alexander to his mother: "You birthed me in a sac of hate!!" (notably, he kisses her, and not in a pleasant "love ya' Mom" way immediately afterward . . . it's gross, pointless and weird).
Verdict: This movie was gross, pointless and weird. If that's your cup of tea, then I'm sure you'll enjoy. If you are a normal human being, however, I'm sure that you won't.
Apparently the movie came in under the radar almost three years ago and was considered at the time to be on of the most horrifyingly, vomit-inducingly, terrible big-budget movies ever made. This is suprising considering the usually solid cast consisted of Colin Ferrell ("S.W. A.T.," "Daredevil" and he was in an episode of Scrubs that I like), Anthony Hopkins ("The Mask of Zorro"), Angelina Jolie ("Tomb Raider," "Tomb Raider II,") and from director/writer Oliver Stone ("Platoon," "The Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen Mysteries").
Ok, enough movie-talk junk. I watched this movie (a clean-flixed version, incidentally), a few weeks ago and have rarely ever howled with more enthusiasm at the badness and utter confusion of a movie. A few general notes.
1) Too many speeches! There are at least three speeches, long-winded, quasi-philosophical speeches given before Alexander (young or old) ever says anything.
2) To many Greek diety names used in common vernacular! I did a rough count and came up with at least 13 examples of "For Hera's sake!" "By Dionysis, you'll pay for that!" during the course of the movie.
3) A soundtrack that consists almost entirely of triumphant victory music! This is oddly the most true about the first half-hour of the movie, before anything remotely triumphant has happened besides several speeches (see above). Perhaps the most victorious music is when young blond Alexander horse-whispers a so-called untameable horse. This same scene and triumphant music and horse-whisperage is alluded to during the final showdown battle when, with the same horse, Alexander attacks an elephant in extremely slow slow-motion (which makes less sense than when I just described it).
4) For a movie about the most sucessful conquerer in the world, not enough sucessful battles! There are two, excessively violent battlest, the first of which I had thought Alexander had soundly lost (he rode a horse and yelled a lot and seemed extremely upset about something, but then his men started cheering, so I guess he had won. Perhaps the ancient tradition is that which ever side thinks to cheer first are declared the winners?). And in the second battle, Alexander does lose in a spectacular fashion (see the elephant showdown above), and is wounded, apparently causing a piece of red Saran wrap to be placed over the lense of the camera indicating . . . pain? Loss? Blood?
5) And, (last the best), terrible, terrible dialouge! While writing this, I once again, I got caught up in the small details (other terrible details of the movie) and haven't built up enough focus for the crowning jewel of the awful movie. Here are my favorite moments of dialouge:
From Anthony Hopkin's character the old, confusing narrator: "Things are never simple. And yet, this was."
From a Maceonian commander, to his troops, in 350 B.C. in an Irish accent (yes): "I don't appreciate any belly-achin'!!"
And the greatest of them all, from Alexander to his mother: "You birthed me in a sac of hate!!" (notably, he kisses her, and not in a pleasant "love ya' Mom" way immediately afterward . . . it's gross, pointless and weird).
Verdict: This movie was gross, pointless and weird. If that's your cup of tea, then I'm sure you'll enjoy. If you are a normal human being, however, I'm sure that you won't.
1 comment:
Wow. Sounds like one I shouldn't miss. Speaking of movies one "shouldn't miss," I hope you've had the good fortune to miss "License to Wed." Who knew a Robin Williams film could be that bad?
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