The Little Pocket

Just a quick one today. I took a break after the RomCom post, which continues to fill me with glee. Just yesterday I read a hilarious list called "Tips for Surviving Puberty" that a hilarious and very good friend of mine wrote. Maybe we could co-author a list called "This Will Make You Wet Your Pants" because it probably would.



Just now, I'm in a campus computer lab. I sat down to write out the rest of an assignment that is due later on today (pros and cons of medical schools that I think I would like to apply to). However, I couldn't find the new, expensive jump-drive that I had to purchase for another class that already has a lot of really important assignments on it. My backpack is made of two pockets: the large pocket (into which goes books, clothes, food, large wads of bills, animals in various stages of mummification etc.) and then the little pocket (into which goes . . . well you'll see).



I mention this because most of your American bought backpacks these days have the lap-top pocket, the medium pocket with the pencil/pen holders, the inside lining pocket, the little pocket, and then tiny pocket within the little pocket meant for holding change (or Skittles, I guess). I put my jump drive into the little pocket this morning thinking that I would pull it out and finish up the assignment, no problem. But the I couldn't find it. I dug around frantically and cursed the technology that can fit 2 gigabytes of data on to such a tiny little, Lego-sized piece of hardware. Finally I pulled out everything in the pocket. I was amazed and disgusted with what I found. This list is absolutely true. (For the record, the little pocket measures about 6''x 8''x 1.5'')



(Note: the craziest things have a ??? after them)



- 3 mechanical pencils, one of them empty and broken

- 5 black ball point pens, (3 of them free from a drug company, one of the made out of wood and carboard and one from a rock band)

- 3 black gel-style pens

- 2 blue ball point pens (both free, one bank, one BYU)

- 1 black sharpie marker

- 1 yellow ink highlighter (there were 3 at least two days ago. I don't know where the others are)

- 1 yellow scripture marking highlighter (I know for a fact that I have another one in the large pocket, but it doesn't count)

- 2 blue scripture marking highlighters

- 1 mini camera tripod (???)

- 3 BYU pins (given out on BYU tours over seas . . . these have been there for at least eight months, or possibly a year and eight months)

- 1 comb

- 3 granola bars (I only knew about two of them, as they were going to be my lunch today)

- 1 mini bottle of ibuprofen

- 1 half empty pack of Orbit sweet-mint gum (the best gum ever. I'm eating some right now)

- 2 packets of Emergen-C cold fighting, vitamin C supplements

- 11 pennies

- 2 dimes

- 1 nickel

- 5 old pieces of unchewed gum (full of lint and mechanical pencil lead)

- 1 mini stapler

- 1 sleeping mask (???)

- 4 chapsticks (???)(I have no idea where these came from. I hope they are all mine, but I might throw them away rather than take the chance)

- 1 key to my car that I didn't know I had (???)

- 2 more pens that I forgot to count before

- 1 receipt for a Park and Ride airport service (their number is 596-7275)

- 1 unwrapped half of an old candy cane (???)

- 1 handful of wrappers, lint, and unidentifiable garbage that I threw away and that left my hand rather sticky.

And thankfully . . .

- 3 jump drives (one of them not mine, but one was the one that I needed to finish my assignment).





You can't make stuff like that up.

You've Got a Wedding Planner Who's Coming to Dinner to Lose in 10 Days!: 50 Resolutions on Romantic Comedies

50 Resolutions I Promise to Make if I Ever Become a Guy in a Romantic Comedy Who is Not the Romantic Lead:

(Note: please remember that the other guys in a romantic comedy can include villinous, cheating, current-boyfriend, as well as sarcastic, good-natured best friend, to wise, elderly confidant):

1. I will not live in New York, or I will immediately move away from New York, thus decreasing to a large degree the possibility that I will be in any kind of romantic comedy.

2. I will not secretly be having an affair on the side which will in the end justify my female romantic lead girlfriend getting together with the male romantic lead.

3. I will not be so self-absorbed that I fail to notice that my female romantic lead girlfriend finds my jokes unfunny and/or my life's work uninteresting.

4. I will not abuse my female romantic lead girlfriend physically, verbally or emotionally, making my character absolutely one-dimensional so that I get whatever is coming to me, beginning with my losing my girl to the male romantic lead and potentially ending in my death.

5. I will not under any circumstances suggest crazy hijinks as a means of winning over the female romantic lead.

6. I will not under any circumstances suggest that the male romantic lead lie as a means of winning over the female romantic lead.

7. A no point will I smugly inform my male romantic lead best friend that I am an expert on women

8. If the male and female romantic leads seemingly loathe each other, I will step in and swiftly vacate the city/state/country with the female romantic lead. This will not guarantee that they will not eventually come together, but will greatly decrease the odds of them reconciling into a relationship.

9. I will point out to the female romantic lead that there is really no reason for her to be unlucky in love as she is a successful and beautiful professional who has a great job writing for a magazine/designing fashionable clothes/being cute and quirky in New York.

10. I will not annoyingly and continuously ask my male romantic lead best friend if "she has any friends to set me up with!" Invariably I will be set up with the plump but good natured female best friend (my counterpart) of the female romantic lead. The more I whine and complain, the more likely it is that I will be humorously set up with someone more awkward (a morbidly obese, man obsessed friend, or perhaps a flagrantly gay man or a cross dresser).

11. I will not suggest to my male romantic lead friend that it would be wise and prudent to spend untold amounts of resources to try and seek out that girl that he had a chance encounter with but whose phone number, address, or even name he failed to obtain on the first meeting. I know that these efforts in the real world would likely be for naught.

12. I will not kindly offer the female romantic lead a kindly smile and a kindly twinkly in my kindly eye with advice that sounds anything like "follow your heart . . ."

13. I will sagely offer advice like, "build a lasting relationship over a period of time. Learn what you can about this person. Pay attention to traits that could be signs of irresponsible, abusive or reckless behavior." I will recongize that the heart can be ridiculous and stupid sometimes.

14. If I am a black guy, I will not casually dispense phrases like, "Man, you be trippin'!" or "She was all up in yo' bidness!" just to show the audience that, yes I am black and yes the romantic lead is progressive enough to have black friends.

15. If I am a black guy, I will not offer my (white) male romantic lead best friend any advice that involves or even references "booty" of any kind.

16. I will not agree to any kind of scheme where the romantic male lead will believe that I am married to or dating my romantic female lead best friend.

17. If I did agree to the above mentioned scheme (thus violating resolution 17) I would not engage in hurriedly or angrily whispered conversations underneath dinner tables, in coat closets or behind napkins.

18. If the female romantic lead were about to catch me and my male romantic lead best friend in one of the many deceptive lies and half-truths that he has spun, I will have a plausible lie prepared. This will eliminate my awkward backpedaling such as "Um . . .! Uh . . . ! You see, the thing is . . . Um!" etc.

19. If I ever am coerced into doing a favor for my male romantic lead best friend so that he can woo the female romantic lead, I will not do anything degrading or unbecoming. Also I will not agree to any favor that is not an emergency in nature that involves me being woken in the middle of the night.

20. If I am present at the marriage of male romantic lead and female romantic lead, I will avoid the tossing of the bouquet, thus avoiding accidentally catching the bouquet, or being cornered by the unattractive, man-obsessed friend who did catch the bouquet in a cliched, unhumorous situation.

21. I will pay attention to possible secret, unexpressed admiration of attractive females around me so that, when expressed, I can act on them and keep the romantic female lead from meeting the male romantic lead, who was waiting in the wings to explain over the course of several weeks and many walks around the city at night why he was the right choice after all.

22. I will do my best to remain out of the rain while in the company of my girlfriend, the female romantic lead, as this is a great location for tearful, but happy, "Deep inside, I've always known that . . ." break up scenes.

23. If I am the father of the romantic female lead, I will not sit down with the romantic male lead and explain to her why "_______ is like her mother." That should have no bearing on the situation.

24. If I am the father of the romantic female lead, I will attempt to understand the culture and background of my daughter's romantic male lead love-interest. I will also expect him to respect and try to understand my own culture, even if eccentric. I will not attempt to suppress the cultural background of myself or my family, no matter what the humorous consequences might be.

25. I will not forcibly bring my romantic lead best friend to try speed-dating.

26. I will not allow my romantic lead best friend to become so dangerously intoxicated that they have the opportunity to pass out and/or vomit on anybody, much less the other romantic lead.

27. I will not suggest to my romantic lead best friend that in order to "win over" the other romantic lead, drastic, painful or questionably dangerous grooming techniques should be employed.

28. I will not insist that a traditional poker-night/bowling-night/boys-night/Monday night football with my male romantic lead best friend is so important that he would be justified in breaking off a burgeoning relationship with an attractive female romantic lead.

29. I will not allow my wife of many years to meddle and pry and drive apart the relationship of our romantic lead child.

30. If I do allow my wife to meddle and pry and almost drive apart the relationship of our romantic lead child (and violate number 30), I will not wait until the wedding night, or five minutes before the wedding to dramatically tell my wife to butt out and then tell my daughter "it's all right, sweetie. You marry whoever you want." or something to that effect.

31. I will allow my romantic lead child to marry the person of their choice and not insist that they marry a ". . . nice (Italian, Jewish, Greek etc.) boy/girl!" If I feel strongly about this, I will make kindly, loving suggestions. I will not speak the words, "You are dead to me!" or something equally irrational and melodramatic.

32. If I am slightly fat and clumsy, I will try to work on improving these traits: attempting to maintain a healthy lifestyle, take up a sport or hobby that will help me with my coordination and in general try not to be a bumbling idiot around romantic female lead or romantic female lead's equally quirky best friend.

33. I will avoid saying anything derogatory to or about the female romantic lead while wearing only a T-shirt, tank-top, or muscle shirt and/or while holding a can of liquid, a bottle of liquid, a screwdriver or a greasy rag, as these statements, are only made to assert my male pig-headishness, generally are made only to allow the male romantic lead to gallantly disagree, and make me appear narrow-minded and one-dimensional.

34. I will not loan my car or apartment to my friend so that he can impress his date. If I do provide a loan of some kind, I will make sure that my property is adequately insured so that if romantic hijinks ensue and my property is destroyed, I will be financially compensated.

35. I will not support my romantic male lead's desires or attempts to make a dramatic proclamation of love via some means of mass communication (television, PA system, megaphone in a traffic jam etc.).

36. I will not challenge the male romantic lead to a challenge of some kind to decide "once and for all" who will have the right to date/court/marry the female romantic lead. This applies whether the challenge is to the death, or to some kind of sports match, or some kind of card game.

37. I will not sabotage, in some oily, underhanded fashion, the event that would've been the male romantic lead's "big break," especially if the female romantic lead has been enthusiastically helping the male romantic lead with his crazy, pie-in-the-sky plans.

38. If I do sabotage the big event of the male romantic lead (and violate number 37), I will not causally walk up the to the female romantic lead after my sabotage has resulted in failure and say something to the effect of "Well, I guess we can see who the real loser is NOW!"

39. I will not publicly belittle the goofy, overweight, social misfits that are the best friends of the male romantic lead. Not only will this make me look bad in the eyes of the female romantic lead, but I will undoubtedly get my comeuppance from these same misfits later.

40. I will not jest at the incompatibility of the my male romantic lead best friend's sloppy, carefree, lackadaisical lifestyle and the uptight, schedule-driven, clean-freak lifestyle of the female romantic lead as these differences can be worked out with small and simple compromises.
41. I will not be the friend who exclusively makes jokes about becoming intimate with the female romantic lead each and every time I see the male romantic lead, thus allowing observers to assume that all men are pigs who obsessed with sex, except for the gallant male romantic lead, who likes the female romantic lead for who she is.

42. I will be impressed, surprised, and extremely skeptical if large groups of people spontaneously stop what they are doing at some bustling place of business (subway, airport, city street, traffic etc.) to applaud or to somehow aid the final climactic proclamation of love from the romantic leads.

43. If I suspect that I am involved in a romantic triangle with the female romantic lead and another male, I will seek out honest objective opinions of casual observers around me to determine whether or not I am more handsome, charming or witty than the other man, and thus determine conclusively if I am not the male romantic lead. If I am not, I will end my pursuit of the relationship with finality.

44. If I am a handsome, attractive celebrity-type, and I suspect that a down-home, sweet, young female romantic lead with whom I have causal contact has fallen for me, and I know that her true love is a somewhat ordinary but still terrific childhood friend/male romantic lead, I will instantly bow out of the scene so as not to prolong the male romantic lead's growing jealousy and frustration.

45. I will do my best to avoid either walking in on the female romantic lead in the shower or changing stall or being walked in on in the shower or changing stall by the female romantic lead as this is primarily the domain and task of the male romantic lead.

46. I will not tell my client the male romantic lead, that I as his ______ (lawyer, agent, manager etc.), I need something to happen before a certain time on a certain date or else there will be serious, dire consequences. This is because the resolution of these things happening before the certain time will undoubtedly result in the meeting and wooing of the female romantic lead.

47. If my romantic lead best friend is suffering because they are missing the other romantic lead after a fight they had or after the lies one or both of them told came to light, I will play an appropriately sappy romantic pop song to drive him/her toward a tearful and public reconciliation.

48. If I am the American/British roommate of the male romantic lead, and the female romantic lead is an uptight Brit/American (the opposite of myself), I will be daft and tosh (or wild and crazy) and engage in all sorts of zany, juvenile pranks that she will have to loosen up and live with. Also, my roommate will be forced to grow up.

49. I will restrict any and all sweeping generalizations and comparisons of women, any phrase that might begin with the words, "Women are like ____ (cars, sandwiches, beer, the stock market etc.).

50. If I suspect that I am a guy who is not the romantic lead in a romantic comedy, I will immediately purchase a hockymask and a chainsaw and make sure that it quickly becomes a horror film.

(Author's note: I just finished writing, in one eye-blearingly, early-morning sitting, the post you just read. I was inspired by a list I read from a Facebook group, called "100 Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord." It's quite hilarious, and as simple math can tell you, it's twice as long. If I could have hammered out 100 romantic comedy resolutions in one night, believe me, I would have. But now the author needs to sleep and dream of every romantic comedy there ever was.)

Two nice fatty posts on their way

Happy Sunday, Happy Evening (and especially the rare and precious Happy Three-Day Weekend)!

I started banging out two posts, both kind of LDSish, Mormonistic, and are therefore somewhat serious or introspective in nature, but it's late and I didn't get them done. So, they are both coming.

So for now, I changed up the look of the blog a little. The background photo is of the Nyepr River in Kiev, Ukraine and sunset. Quite cool.

Anyway, if you have any comments, kindly drop them off. And you'll be hearing from me shortly.

Overheard Conversation Wednesday Bonus: "And she wasn't even a blonde!"

Extra Wendesday Bonus!! Just before coming to use a campus computer (I need to get to class in just a couple minutes), I heard the following, undoctored conversation:

Girl (enters scene comes and sits next to guy across from me at my table) Oh hi!
Guy: Yeah, hi.
Girl (looks down at technical diagram of electrical layout of a house) Oh wow. You'd need a boys brain to figure this out! . . . .
(there are about two more brief sentences back and forth between them)
Girl: Oh wow! Have you been working out? Because your arm (touches arm) right there, it's so big!

At this moment, I get up and leave in the middle of a fierce coughing spasm that is covering up my laughing.

An Opinion. Peace.

It’s been an interesting week. Last week I wrote about why I’m somewhat reticent to share my opinions about things that really matter (things like colors of M&Ms and who I REALLY think can dance, for example). As soon as I finished writing last week about the complexities behind not sharing my opinions, I decided to start to jot down a big-old soggy list of some of the opinions that I do have. Amazingly, it seems like once you start to look for them, opinions are everywhere. In our schools. In our churches (nod your heads, even if reluctantly, you fellow Mormons). On the news. Also on the “news,” which is often nothing but opinions. In fact at this very moment there could be an opinion

right

behind you . . . .

DARK CHOCOLATE’S SUPPOSED HEALTHY ANTI-OXIDANT CONTENT DOES NOT MAKE UP FOR IT’S BITTER AND UNPLEASANT TASTE!!!!

(Scary, isn’t it?)

Moving onward.

The following is only a partial list of opinions that I currently hold. There are a number of issues that I want to get to, but I’m not satisfied with the wording of my explanation of them. In the same way it would be ridiculous to launch a new version of Windows on the world that wasn't an improvement and full of flaws (Game: find the implied opinion of Windows Vista in this sentence!), I don't want to go tossing my hat into the ring to casually. Hats have gotten pretty nasty email's that way.

Also, while perusing my small smattering of opinions, casually picking them up and tossing them aside like so many pairs of pants at the Nordstrom Rack, keep in mind that not all of my opinions are as strongly held as others. For example, my opinion that Governor Mike Huckabee is over-hyped and under-qualified to become President of the United States, is probably less strongly held and only of slightly less national importance than my opinion that any guy who is still popping the collar of his polo shirt deserves to be publicly ridiculed in the streets. In a different vein, my favorite flavor of Otter pop can fluctuate on a monthly basis (either Sir Issac Lime or Strawberry Short Kook), whereas it will take a great deal to change my conviction that “New York Doll” is currently the best example of what mainstream LDS cinema can accomplish. (Note: I found an amazingly serendipitous picture of, get this, a chinchilla eating a strawberry Otter pop! What are the odds?! Also, "Serendipity" wasn't a great movie.)

While I could ramble on forever about opinions that probably don’t matter, that is probably just me beating about the bush. (Too bad I didn’t write anything about President Bush because that last line was a perfect set up! ZING!). But in any case, away we go:

Global Warming (and/or Environmentalism): Moving toward more environmental conscious efforts is good, but the U.S.'s efforts and legislations are not going to make a bit of difference until China's (and to a lesser degree South America's and India's) industry begin to do the same. I think the wisest course of action is to spend money on new echo-friendly technologies that will be indispensable, rather than slightly more hip or convenient. People (and countries) choose hybrid cars not because just because they want to protect the environment, but because they want to save money on gas.

Healthcare: It definitely needs to be more accessible for more people (there are far, far to many people in our country without health care, to the tune of 47 million). But to remove capital gain from the equation removes a lot of money for medical innovation. I currently think that moving directly to universal or socialized health care (as opposed to a system with universal healthcare for children, and/or for financially deficient individuals), is not the right way to move.

School vouchers: (this is old news, but I wanted to get it out there) would have been most beneficial to middle to upper-class families (those who could almost, just about afford private school without government assistance). With new voucher money to be made, there would have certainly been an increase in new, private institutions, but that more does not guarantee that they would be any better than government regulated school. In the end, the low-income families, the ones that the legislation was touted to help the most, would still, most likely be forced to put their children in the school closest to their homes or take on themselves whatever extra transport, supplies and costs that the very best schools would require.

Electoral College: I think that the electoral college is worth holding on to. I think that while the desire to abolish it in the name of "making each vote equal" is tempting because it would make my middle-of-Utah vote worth more (read: something), I think that giving even partial voting power to states with low populations maintains not only the style of government in line with the constitution, but also maintains a political climate of recognition of the rights of the few.

Regarding Members of the LDS Church: I am uncomfortable (and sick and tired, but also kind of resigned) with unfair, thoughtless judgmental attitudes directed toward, members of the Church (of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints). But I am maybe even more uncomfortable with thoughtless, judgmental attitudes coming from existing members of the Church. While there is (thankfully I guess) much more unfair prejudice and hostility from the outside in, far too much of the same goes unnoticed or unmentioned within the Church. I feel a great deal of empathy from those who (somewhat justifiably) feel estranged from the Church and its members because of members' reactions their situations, which could include single parenthood, homosexuality, divorce, mental illness, unemployment, temporary unworthiness, intellectual doubts or just for voting Democrat. My empathy doesn’t minimize my convictions, especially my conviction that the LDS people should be the first to lovingly respond to those in the midst of struggle.

Animal rights/PETA: Animals have rights and should be protected and their homes and habitats supported. One of the best sources of income and education for preservation and conservation are through hunting and fishing programs. PETA shoots itself in the foot by supporting ridiculous propositions frequently enough that we have a hard time taking their more moderate suggestions (against animal cruelty for example) seriously. (This is a picture of a real Peta publication, by the way, a comic aimed at kids)

Gun Control: Education, licenses, background checks and waiting periods are acceptable "inconveniences" and should continue to be requirements to own firearms. But at the same time, making it harder for people to legally acquire firearms, or making them illegal altogether, will not keep them out of the hands of the vast majority of people who wish to use them with malicious intent. Also, the right to own firearms is not the same as the right to own armor piercing, anti-helicopter, automatic machine guns.

The Changing of Opinions (of politicians): (this hasn't been a big deal lately, but it sure bugs me when it comes up). Everyone argues that the other side of a debate is wrong for not agreeing, and would recongize that the more people change their minds to their side of the debate the better. But if there is ever evidence that someone in office has changed their mind on some "critical issue" or another, they are painted as undesireable and unreliable to come to the debate at all.

A few more off the top of my head for good measure:

- The environment/attitude in any field to only attack what is unappealing without suggesting new possible directions for debate/research/policies to explore cultivates an environment stifling to creativity.

- I miss watching my stories, but I support the writers involved in the writers strike (I can't watch Conan O'Brian sans-writers anymore though. It makes my heart weep).

- Selling pest control/security systems, working for an insurance company, and becoming a TV/movie screen writer are all jobs that I feel would eventually involve me compromising my morals (including my moral obligation to not write for terrible movies), but the only one I would consider doing that for is to be a writer. (Unless it was for writing new Geico commercials).

- "30 Rock" is probably the funniest/best written show on television right now. And I might have a bit of a crush on Tina Fey.

-This is first the blog entry that I am simultaneously most satisfied with and least satisfied with. And even with further expansion and revision, I will never really be completely satisfied with it.

But that's just one man's __________.

Red, White and Mute

"You don't agree with me? Clearly, I'm not speaking loud enough." - Groucho Marx

That quote really isn't by Groucho Marx (I just made it up). But today was the New Hampshire primaries, and I totally agree with the fake quote from Groucho Marx that I made up. Apparently it's a pretty crazy primary. Some towns ran out of ballots because voters turned up in droves. Even before the results are in, it's evident that (as countless, louder people people than me have said), it's anybody's game at this point (expect for those candidates you've never heard of).

With everyone endorsing the platform of "A vote for _____ is a vote for change!" all the candidates seem New Hampshire-bent on making sure that everyone knows that their views, opinions and policies are a definite change from the current shambles of an administration. In about five quick minutes of checking emails and wandering around news sites, I came across more rabid, confident and opposing opinions than I could shake my newly shorn head at.

There's a lot of reasons why I spend a considerable amount of my energy thinking of funny things to do and say rather than be "more involve" in "the issues." I could "take a stand" or "reconsider my current diet of cereal, gum, and shortbread cookies" (note: that is true). Part of it I attribute to my upbringing (scroll down to skip reading about my upbringing. Hint: it was boring).

When I was growing up, our family didn't regularly engage in debate about practically anything; disagreements were almost exclusively a "hey you took my/broke my _____" or "it's my turn to ____ now!" Subsequent parental judgement was distributed and uneasy peace reigned.

I attribute the lack of verbal debate or discussion to 1) my family's naturally shy and introverted personalities (our genes that were expressed suppressed expression. Ha!) and 2) my parents amazing unity of mind. I never, in my entire life, saw an argument, a raised voice at each other or any kind of disagreement. We knew that my mom didn't care for my dad's tendency to buy new power tools or gardening equipment without warning. We also knew that Dad going to watch Mom and each of the kids performing in various symphonies and bands wasn't his favorite thing. But this never resulted in conflict. I believe that this contributed greatly to my tendency of having opinions, but not wearing them on my sleeve. And in some cases opting to keep my long sleeve shirts in my closet (because they can be tacky).

Another reason for this continued non-verbalization of opinions, is that it has become so very easy for a mild, perhaps, as-yet-not-totally-formed opinion to be shouted down. It sometimes seems hard to ask even close friends on their opinions without setting yourself up for a dose more argument than you wanted. Sometimes (often actually), I think that it would actually be great to have more open, honest, well informed, and almost of highest priority, tactful discussions about important opinions.

Some of the smartest people that I have gotten to know whose input I thought could have been valuable had no tact. Noone wants to be belittled. It grates on your senses when someone's tone, vocabulary, imply that if you were really intelligent, you'd agree with them ("Really? Are you kidding? Why shouldn't creationism be taught in school if isn't just one of the things that they teach? Here's something by Joseph Fielding Smith I photocopied on my mission . . . ")

And while I'm on the subject: It bothers me (and encourages me not to bother)(Ha!) when people believe wholeheartedly that complex issues (immigration, gay marriage, and abortion) and topics have simple, easy, sometimes one-sentence answers that they just heard from Jon Stewart or Stephen Colbert (note: I love you guys!). And repeating your simple one answer louder is less helpful than you might think.

So there you go. Do I have opinions? You betcha! Do I want to hear yours? More than I'm letting on. Since I've already worn enormous divots into my soapbox as it is, I won't subject you to any of them here. But since you are my good and close friend (in fact, I like you more than everyone else. Just don't tell them, or else I won't get invited to any more parties), I'll give you the 411 on some of those opinions. And if you don't agree with me then I have a very convincing golf club that would like to have a word or two with your tail light.