Oh no!! What do you do?!! You were minding your own business listening to your favorite Christmas music on your favorite play-nothing-but-Christmas-songs-beginning-in-
October, when all of a sudden something scary happened: you heard a "new" Christmas song. What do you do? How do you respond?! It sounds like it could be an old favorite, but you worked your way through those in mid-November, so you're sure it's not. You thought it was Dean Martin, but then you heard an electric guitar, so it could be Michael Buble, Harry Conick Jr. or (in his wilder moments) Josh Groban. The lyrics sounds similar, but the girl singing it sounds out of breath, almost to the point of being asthmatic. Which of the myriad of the virtually identical, gossip-fodder, human-waste-land-of-a-female-pop-singer could it be?! Let's calm down people. As a public service, we present a newly released help sheet that you can use to determine the General Christmas Song Value Rating Score (GCSVRS). (This can then be charted on the Lame-ness Matrix to find it's Eye-roll-itude and Gag/Vomit Estimation). Enjoy!
Please answer the following questions (truthfully) regarding the music and/or lyrics and/or musician:
General Questions:
1) Is the song catchy? (If yes: +1)
2) Is it catchy because you’ve approximately ten-thousand (10,000) other artists have recorded it before? (If yes: -30)
3) Is the song a “re-tooling” of a song that needed no improvements at all? (If yes: - 5)
4)Do you find yourself thinking repeated during the song, “Hmmm, I used to like this song (If yes: -15)
5) Is the song “Silent Night” by Coldplay, (with his creepy, atonal voice) which I just this moment heard while researching this post and found extremely repellent? (If yes: -20)
6) Is the song an "old favorite" that no one really ever liked to begin with? ("Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer," I'm looking in your
direction)(If yes: -5)
7) Is the song “Frosty the Snowman?” A song that was overdone twenty minutes after the first time it was EVER done? (If yes: -50)
8) Is the song a catchy-hip-fresh-jazzy new song that appeals to everyone and is so gosh darn fun :) that you just can't help but hate it with a violence that surprises even you? (If yes:-10)
9) Is the song "Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays" by N'Sync? (If yes:
I will hunt it down and kill it slowly over a fire . . . . also: - 75)
The Music and the Musician Questions:
10) Is there music accompaniment? (No points awarded: that should be a given)
11) Is the music a big-band or jazz group that sound like high caliber musicians that create a rich or toned quality to the song? (If yes: +10)
12) Are most of the instruments synthesized i.e. created by a keyboard or computer? (If yes: -35)
13) Is there a synthesized “bridge” (instrumental solo or break) in the middle? (If yes: -45)
14) Is there a solo by an unexpected and out of context instrument (for example in a nice lyrical piece, is there a huge, slappy blues guitar solo?) (If yes: -10)
15) Are any of the musicians Kenny G? (If yes: -55)
16) Is the song in a country style? (If yes: continue on)
17) Do you know The Author personally and are willing to inflict personal harm on said Author? (If yes DO NOT continue on!!)
18) Did you know that your country Christmas, by virtue of being in a sappy overly sentimental style and being about a typically overly sentimental time of year is therefore unavoidably a lame song? (Whether yes or no: -100 points)
Sentimentality:
19) Does the song include a chorus of children? (If yes, continue on)
20) Is the song “Happy Christmas (So this Is Christmas)” by John Lennon? (If no: -10)
21) Does the song contain children reading letters to Santa/making CB Radio or scratchy telephone calls to family member/talking in cute little baby voices about love? (If yes: -15)
22) Does the song tell the story of a young child? (If yes: continue on)
23) Is that child the baby Jesus? (If no: -5))
(continue on)
24) Is the child an orphan or does the child have a very sick parent? (If yes: -10)
25) Does the child want to
buy a Christmas gift for their parent before they (the parent) dies and thereby teach someone (and all of us) about the true meaning of Christmas? (If yes: -200)
26) Did they seriously go and make a
movie (!!!) that is a sentimental, romantic comedy starring Rob Lowe based on that song? (If yes: -300)
27) Did you not realize that I think that the song “Christmas Shoes” is the most trite and gag-inducing Christmas song imaginable? (If no: . . . you know what? If the answer is no, you’ve got enough problems of your own without me taking points away)
The All-Important-Questions:
28) Do I* like this song? (If yes: +10,000)
29) Do I* dislike this song? (If yes: - 25,000,000, and there shall be no forgiveness, no in this nor in a thousand lifetimes!! I* have spoken!!)
*Note: the I mentioned above indicates, me, I, The Author. If you have any questions or concerns as to what constitutes a good Christmas song, he will gladly, happily, effervescently clear up any confusion you might have.
