The Sixth Post of Christmas: Hallmarks of the Season

Our yearly statistical analysis shows that once again, Americans bought more cards last Christmas season than for Valentines Day, Mother's Day, both Veteran's Days and Dia de los Muertos combined. This finding came as a shock to noone, but for the sake of accuracy, our statistics division will now run another set of diagnostic surveys . . . bum bah dah . . . hmmm . . . . " . . . you can say there's no such thing as Santa, but as for me and Grandpa . . . " Ah! Yes, the new results are in and they completely corroborate our original findings. Except that we've also discovered that the eco-friendly e-Cards that were launched for Earth day this year directly resulted in the clearing of 18 billion acres of rain forests (which were used to burn enormous piles of poached ivory. On top of glaciers). Our statistical department is surely in line for a massive promotion next year.

But back to Christmas cards. We've also noticed (our statistics division is pretty busy this time of year! It's how they can afford to send their kids to better schools than yours!), that most Christmas cards are either 1) overly sentimental, usually with some soft Christmas landscape or a house with lights that wish us "The Best This Holiday Season," 2) silly or hokey, sometime tying together cartoon drawings of winter/cold weather animals (penguins or polar bears) or snowmen doing or saying "Holiday Season" things (ice skating, wondering what Kwanza means etc.), or finally 3) showing Santa Claus in an embarrassing or compromising position, usually involving a chimney (no more explanation should be necessary as there are thousands of these cards in existence). Do you, the Yuletidily minded consumer really deserve more of this Holiday drivel, printed on cheap card stock and sold in bulk for a ridiculous mark up? The answer (thanks statistical division!)? A resounding yes!!!

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This set of Christmas cards comes from our "Companies, Organizations, Groups, Mobs and Cartels" series, each representing not only the warmest wishes for the holidays, but also the pandering and smug superiority of Corporate America and her younger, poorer, uglier sister, Special Rights Groups. Enjoy!


Card#1:

Inside: Pardon us. Being richer than you makes us a bit silly this time of year.

or

From your friends at Franko, Bellstein, and Jacobs. (If you don't know anything about our company or what we do, we certainly aren't going to waste time telling you in Christmas card.) Happy Holidays!

Card #2:


Inside: 'Cause the Christmas Spirit is a FIGHTIN' Spirit!

or

This Christmas Season, let us each remember that our Rights are a Privilege. Not a Right.




Card #3

Front: Happy Christmas and New Year (below) Thanks for not having me or my family on your dinner table!

Inside: Instead, choose our genetically superior, far more delicious cousins, the GeniTech Brand Gene Therapy Lamb Family! When you think delicious lamb, think GeniTech! There's "mutton" like it!!

or

Let's keep sheep where they belong! On our jackets, gloves and lining our slippers! Buy your Holiday gifts at Laramie Fine Leather Products!




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So Happy Holiday Card giving to all. Our Statistics Division reports that we'll be back real soon with another new and exciting set of Holiday Cards! In fact, they're telling us that we're due back three weeks ago tomorrow and then back again perpetually one second into the future! See you then!